“what are you thankful for


“My dad.”

Thanksgiving evening 2017 (7 years old)


Connection not Closure

I don’t know where closure came into play with people who are grieving. I don’t know any widow (remarried or not) who has said “I have complete closure on my husband’s death! Time to party!! WOO HOO!!” So why is it asked if we’ve  moved on? Or acceptable to ask if we are seeing anyone new?

A mother who lost her baby in surgery met with the surgeons to talk about what happened in the operating room.

 A family who lost their father each spoke to the woman who found him and she told them where he died and what he his last words were.

A widow wants to meet with the woman who was in the same horrific accident that killed her husband. She has so many questions.

There is no such thing as closure when it comes to any death. All we want is a connection to that person that died and we still love…

The 5 Stages of Grief






Izzy and KitKat went to grief camp this Summer. What they left with was amazing. KitKat has opened up more in the past month than she has in 2 years-I will write about that later.

I left with something too which was life changing. I learned something about the 5 stages and it made me weep openly and deeply. A grief therapist was one of the volunteers there and she said the 5 stages of grief are for the DYING. NOT FOR THE GRIEVERS.

Do grievers have stages? Absolutely. Not just 5 of them (but some are included for sure). Not for one year either.

I have so many thoughts and feelings on this that I am still processing and hope I can blog…about a year ago, I was at an event when I struck up a conversation with another mother I didn’t know very well. She asked me about my husband and why he wasn’t with us and when I told her he died a little over a year ago and a bit of history, she looked at me and said “You aren’t grieving anymore, you are depressed.” I walked away from her. My words were taken from me in that moment-my grief was questioned a thousand times after this comment and now? Now I know we have to do better for the dying and the grieving because how we view it  and react to it is awful. We have to find a way to make this world a gentler place for the dying and the grieving.







Wordless Wednesday- 2 pictures

KitKat won her second game in softball. She also got to take home the game ball because she hit the ball twice with the pitcher instead of the TBall stand.
Izzy’s first cello concert 5/16/17.  She was amazing.

John should be here to see all these things.
931 days without you.

Not your average Thursday…well, maybe for a widow

This is John’s birthday month and for the past few weeks, I have been so sad because it’s another one without him. I would have teased him that this was his last year of being in his 40s, that he was old and to enjoy it before he turns 50…but deep inside, I would know, as I did every year, how lucky we were to be growing old together.

I went to visit him yesterday and took a nap next to him. It’s the only time I sleep REALLY WELL. It’s  a deep and peaceful sleep. I don’t go often but I sleep next to him every visit (even in the Winter-even in the snow).

Jeff’s Place is having a gala later this month and yesterday’s meeting, they showed us what the kids drew and said. It’s what they will display on each table. Izzy’s picture is so beautiful and KitKat’s made me weep. The pictures are below.

“The problem with grief is that it is love without an anchor; its timeline only goes one way – stretching back into the past because the future you had with this person no longer exists. And when you think about how powerful love is, when it no longer has a home, it can generate a vast amount of internal chaos.” -Pooma Bell




“I want a dad”

“I want a dad” KitKat said to me today.
“You want Dada?”
“No, I want another dad. I want a dad to do things with.”
This was hard to hear,  take in and deal with. She knows John is dead and isn’t coming back and her logic is, why want her own father? She wished for him back for so long and she realizes her wish will never come true…so she wants another. This will change. KitKat will want him from time to time. She will think about him and miss him and want to do things with him. I know he will never be replaced and he will always be her father.
It’s her grief-her way and her way of dealing with it. It’s different from where I am or where Izzy is. It’s hard to juggle…it’s just so hard.

October 29, 2014 my 46 year old husband died of Peritoneal Mesothelioma which we found out is genetic. We have two daughters. Bear with me as I write my rants, raves and thoughts.