In sickness and in health

We were suppose to go to John’s pre-op appointment today but since he was already in the hospital, I went to see Dr. G’s secretary for an update. John was going to get labs done and an EKG as well as a visit from the anesthesiologist. His health has been on a fast decline but hearing there was no news of cancelling the surgery made my knees buckle and since he was getting everything done he would be all set. An hour later, Dr. G was in the room talking to us about the surgery and getting him stronger. No food. None. Ice chips for the next two weeks and even then, it’s just to wet his lips. The TPN bag is full of enough nutrition to get him strong and he was pretty annoyed John was eating because everything that was going down to his stomach was just getting pumped out.

“Relax your mind and your body will follow” is what I have been telling John with his food issues. His family doesn’t like me saying it until one of the doctors loved it and said that was a great thing to say…so he keeps hearing it.

The surgery is in a few weeks if the TPN can give him the nutrition it needs. If not, a small surgery will be done and then the big one will hopefully be rescheduled. I am hoping Dr. G is still confident he can get it all out.

Right before the conversation was over, I left John and his sister with Dr. G and I waited in the hall for him to come out. Do you know how hard it is to look at your spouse’s oncology surgeon and ask how long your spouse has if he doesn’t have the surgery and you want to know because you have to prepare for yourself and kids? I lost sensation in my body and I closed my eyes. You know the saying “You wouldn’t wish this on your own worst enemy” ? I get that saying now.

The answer is between me and Dr. G and although I didn’t want to hear this, I had too. I don’t know if this is something I will ever get over. Please let me wake up from this nightmare. Make this go away.

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