No surgery today

John was getting prepped for the surgery. Dr. G came in and immediately said no because he was shocked at how sickly he looked. I got angry. His blood levels were low. Why didn’t they do anything? He hasn’t eaten or had a glass of water. Only the TPN and some ice chips. Why didn’t they monitor him better? Why didn’t I say anything? Why is this happening?

Dr. G had him admitted. He is going to get a blood transfusion and a CAT scan. So we don’t know if the surgery is delayed or we are going to put him in hospice. I told Dr. G I don’t want him home for now. It’s up to them to nurse him and make him stronger. Not me. I know I spoke in anger but John is in pain. He has been for so long.

I told the girls about the cancer. What do I tell them of death?

I am angry at the care he has received in the past 3 months. I am angry at the doctors and nurses. I am angry at the hospital. I am angry at his tumor. I am angry at myself because I tried. I tried so hard to help him get stronger. What did I do wrong?

And still I have hope. I hope he gets stronger. I hope he has the surgery. I hope he gets better-even if it’s for a few years. Not weeks or months. Am I wrong to hope?

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