The home stretch

In 8 hours we will arrive at the hospital. I am so nervous.

Dr. G. ordered a bag of potassium to be hooked up to his PICC line. It’s running for 6 hours. I guess the pills weren’t working. I hope this does.
How can he get any thinner? The skin on his face is stretched and his cheeks are so sunken in.

I went to him to give him his Dilaudid and Zofran. Watching him, I started to cry. I didn’t mean too. It just started and I couldn’t stop. Here I am, running on automatic. Do it, do it right, smile, morning, noon, night and all hours in between. Smile. Do it all over the next day. Smile.Why smile? I wanted John to see kindness. I wanted him to know I was ok-that all of this was ok. Did I fail by crying? We are in the home stretch and I just couldn’t believe the floodgates opened. All of a sudden, John was clear headed. He teared up and we talked about everything going on-with feeling. No fears, just feeling.

I feel like I can conquer tomorrow now. I hope he can too. Wish us luck.

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