Finding joy

I am grieving. My husband is still here and I have started the grieving process. There is a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. I have screamed in the car very loudly on my way to the hospital. I cry a lot. My mind is exhausted but my body still nurses him. He prefers me to give him his shots. I  monitor  the  I.V.s, clean his hands and face and write all over the nurse’s whiteboard of the care  my husband needs

My friend, who is an attorney wrote the will. I opened it, went to get my phone and as I sat down saw “Last Will and Testament” with my husband’s name on it. I stopped breathing long enough for it to hurt and even then, I was crying so hard it wouldn’t stop. My poor friend who I was calling had to wait. I didn’t realize I hadn’t hung up. John is 46. He should be here at home with me. We should be carving pumpkins with the kids. His drum is waiting for him in front of the chair in our little music room. He should be playing it while the girls sing in their toy microphones. We should still be planning our move back to New York after KitKat graduates high school.

Grief tries to rip out all hope. As my heart breaks, it beats with love, forgiveness and light. I guess that is just nature which moves forward despite death and loss.
When John was first diagnosed, I was beside myself with sadness. I couldn’t stop the wave. I  watched my daughters sleep and I questioned how I was going to be a single parent. I wondered what I was going to do and how, then KitKat woke up, looked at me and stretched her arms out. I went to her. Her arms wrapped around me so tightly. “I love you” she whispered and fell back to sleep. My grief was gone in that instant and I have to be sure of myself as KitKat is of me. She pulled me out of that. She gave me such joy in that moment of complete sorrow. Even today, they still do and I am so grateful.
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2 thoughts on “Finding joy”

  1. I have not had the pleasure of getting to know you or your children, however I have had the pleasure of working with your husband last year and the beginning of this year.
    As it was my first year officially teaching last year, I struggled to get a routine going and feel comfortable being critiqued by others who would come into my room and watch me teach. However I can remember one specific day, one particular music class, where your husband came into my room to teach and said to me, “you are doing such a nice job with this class. I can really see a difference.” I am pretty sure I disregarded any credit he was giving me, but later on when the kids left and I had a moment to think about what he had said, I instantly smiled and felt so good…all due to his one comment to me that I doubt he even realizes touched me so much and so deeply. Coming from a teacher like him who I have such a deep respect for, having him tell me he thought I was doing a good job gave me such joy! I still think about it to this day! He really is great at what he does, is loved, missed DEARLY and remains in my prayers. I am sending you, your family, and of course John all positive thoughts. I hope he knows that, even with someone like me, who hasn’t had the privilege of knowing him very long, he has touched me deeply. Love to you all.

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