The light in his eyes are fading

Thursday, after Dr. G left us in the prep room, I told John everything would be ok. We have hope for another day to do the surgery. Dr. G told us to make another appointment and we would. I also told John if he was ready to let go of his life that is ok too. KitKat, Izzy and I would be ok and our love would never stop. I told him I was so proud of him for fighting for his life.When we got a room, I noticed the light in his eyes were dim. His mind, body and soul were slipping.
Yesterday, Dr. G came in the room and gave us the results of the cat scan. It was not good. He will not have surgery. The tumor is very aggressive. It has wrapped around his intestines and is crushing everything. He will be at Tufts for the weekend and we will move him to hospice.

Today, I brought Izzy and KitKat to the hospital because John asked for them and vice versa. They played, ate ice cream, talked to him, drew on the whiteboard and sat with him. Toward the end of the visit, Izzy watched me help John into the bed and she started to cry. She knows he is sick. She sees his eyes are dim. She cannot put into words of what she knows and feels and thinks. I ask anyway.

“Tell me what you are thinking. Ask me anything.” I say.

“I don’t want dada to be sick.”

“I wish he wasn’t sick either. He is right where he needs to be”

“Will he come home soon?”

“No. He will be here for the weekend and then we will see”

I told my children of cancer. What do I tell them of hospice care? Of death? I have to tell them tomorrow.

The hospice we agreed upon houses families and has a play area for the kids. Rather than LPNs giving him meds orally, he will have RNs giving it to him through the iv. He can’t digest pills anyway. We can spend the days and nights being a family and keeping John comfortable. Izzy won’t attend school. I won’t be his nurse. I will get to be his wife again. Our girls can run around, dance, giggle, play, make up stories and spend time with their father. They will remember this. I will make sure they know that life, even slipping away is worth every breath and when love is shared between family, there will be nothing to be afraid of.

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