We buried John today. Unfortunately, because everything happened so fast, his casket was still out and Izzy was beside herself with grief. My friend told me it was a good thing. She needed to see where John was, to fully process where John was going. She cried throughout the whole ceremony. I couldn’t comfort her physically and something couldn’t make me emotionally. I had to stay where I was. She wasn’t even in visual range and I couldn’t move. I think if I did go to her, I would have told everyone to leave us alone and let us process this WHOLE thing.
We didn’t have a normal funeral. We went against his family wishes but those weren’t our wishes and honestly, what his family wanted would not have been what he wanted. I hope they come to realize that soon. They were not involved in our family conversation about this. This burial was for us. This good bye was for us. Early in the morning, I asked my brother-in-law to lead a prayer to respect those who pray. I have a lot to say about this and maybe I will someday but I hope I did good by them by doing this for THEM.
John was in a Dixieland band and that was just a small part of who he was as a drummer but I loved following him around and listening to them when we were dating. His bandmates brought their instruments and played next to him. I couldn’t have asked for a better send off for my husband. The moment they played, I actually looked for him. The music was a little bit lonelier without him…and as the band played on, I really really really really really really missed him.