I had a meeting with Izzy’s principal and teacher today to go over where she is at emotionally with losing her father. We sat there talking and at one point, there was a question and I actually turned to look for John to answer. This is how it was. Whenever we had a parent/teacher conference or meetings at school, John made it a point take a personal day to do this with me. He was very present in their lives and very conscious of their education. He was so hands-on.
Parenting was one thing we never fought about or disagreed about.
When I got home, KitKat asked me what Dada is doing because he must be so lonely (or as she says “yone-yee”). Izzy replied back that he isn’t lonely. He can’t be anymore. I am usually so quick with my responses with them but at the moment, I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.
Tonight, we were at a children’s museum and I saw fathers there with their children. I also saw a few grandfathers with their grandchildren, those were the ones I watched the most tonight. On the drive home, I got sad at how we won’t be old together but sadder that I won’t see him grow older. I won’t get to see him get fully grey or see wrinkles line his face. I always said to him that I would love his face in his 60s the way I did in his 20s. He joked I would leave him if he became bald. I seriously agreed with him. I would whine about the wrinkles around my eyes and he would tell me he didn’t see them and I would sneer at him for that.
I just can’t believe we won’t grow old together.