October 29, 2014.
Exactly two weeks ago.
This was the last time John and I spoke to each other. Our last words.
John had finished throwing up-it was awful. I had to call the nurse to help me clean him up. When she left, I took a cool wash cloth and wiped his face and placed it around his neck. His temperature was different in each part of his body. He was finally calm.
I whispered to him…I don’t know why I whispered. The past several weeks, I spoke clearly and loudly to him so he can understand whatever it was I was saying. I whispered “Rest, John, rest.” Right away, he whispered back “OK”. I was shocked and thrilled how clear that was. I wanted to talk to him more. I wanted to tell him how scared I was and how proud I was of him. I wanted to tell him to keep fighting on because I needed him. I wanted to tell him the girls would be coming tomorrow and we would be with him. I wanted to tell him all my fears but how happy I was in this moment of clarity. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted him to whisper back to me what he was going through and that he would try to hold on. I wanted him to tell me things would be ok and we would get through this.
I got closer to him and whispered
“John, I love you”
and he clearly whispered back to me
“I love you”.
I am truly at peace with our last words to each other and now when I think back on that, I do smile.