Giving thanks? This year? Not so much.

Same old death and loss during the holidays post-different blog. Don’t worry, I will save the Christmas post for next month.

People keep asking me about Thanksgiving. Honestly, I protect myself and answer vaguely because I am not in a space to think about it. I thought we would have one more holiday together so I don’t think I am going to be in a very good place these next few months.
I wanted one more holiday season with John. Just one more.
What would you do or think if last year’s holiday season was the last with your spouse? What would you do if this was the last holiday season? Hard to think about, right? I can’t believe last year’s was THE last.
Thanksgiving was a great holiday for us and we really made it our own. We have done it all….crashing friends houses, eating at a diner in Long Island, ordering Indian from our favorite place and waiting the next day to heat it up (which, we agreed, was the best Thanksgiving dinner!). When we had Izzy, then it became our family holiday and it was awesome. I loved being in the kitchen while John watched the football game. We were in our element. We had an open door policy for people to come over. After putting the kids to bed, I would go to the stores and Christmas shop. Last Thanksgiving, I don’t know what happened but we were just the four of us. We didn’t invite anyone over and it was very low key. We had a simple Thanksgiving dinner. It was wonderful. The only thing I would have done differently is sit with him and watched the game more and I would have held his hand a bit tighter, other than that, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
When we bought this house, I had imagined hosting a lot of Thanksgiving dinners. I was so thrilled we had a bigger space to actually have a lot of people. I told John this and he agreed. I kept the small dining table in the basement specifically for this. Earlier this year, I did bookmark new recipes for this Thanksgiving dinner.
I thought we would be at the hospital or bring him home and at least, we would have him with us. John talked about Thanksgiving when he was in the hospital. He hoped he would be home. I told him I hoped so too and if not, we would all be together wherever he was.
Wow. I just can’t believe we won’t have this anymore. I don’t know how to start new traditions with the girls and feel really helpless. How are we going to celebrate the holidays now? Who will watch the kids so I can Christmas shop for them? Those night time shopping sprees I would have and get in the car and do that for them, I can’t do anymore.
If you are reading this-be thankful for your life. Be thankful for your family. Be thankful for each breath you take. Be thankful for dinner with your family and not just on Thanksgiving but everyday. I miss our dinners together. Be thankful your love continues on. Be thankful your love gets to grow.
This is unreal.
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3 thoughts on “Giving thanks? This year? Not so much.”

  1. Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks. I know you don’t feel it this year and if it were me, I wouldn’t either. You do have so much to be thankful for but right now you’re not feeling it. I bet if you sat down and wrote 50 things that you are thankful for you would be surprised to see that you can fill each spot BUT that 1 con (your loss) overwhelms you making your 50 pros seem weak. I ask you to save this paper and open it again in a month then a month from then and so on. You’ll find that that unbearable con will still hurt and make you sad but the pros will start to become more real.

    Izzy and Kit-Kat are the 2 most treasured things that you have. They were made from of a deep love that you and John shared and you did this together! He left you such precious gifts and these gifts are what you should be most thankful for. John will be with you always and no one can take that away from you.

    Please, I beg you, don’t sit home alone this Thanksgiving with the girls. They need to start to continue their lives so that depression doesn’t take over, I know this from experience as my Mom passed when I was 6. This will be a very hard thing for you to do. I am probably saying this because I am being selfish and want to see you and the girls and show you that you have us to be thankful for and vise versa.

    Keep your chin up and stand tall. I am so proud of you……

    Like

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