I thought Thanksgiving was tough but the day after was excruciating. I was driving to the pharmacy. I kept seeing car after car passing with a Christmas tree on top. I got to the pharmacy and was numb. I couldn’t move. I just watched the cars. Sometimes I looked into them. I guess I was having a pity party for one.
They get to drive home. Who was counting the minutes for that?
They get to take the tree off the car and walk it in the house together. Who carried the trunk? Who carried the top?
They get to argue where to put the tree. Who won?
They get to untangle the lights and fumble as they drape it across the tree from top to bottom. Who grumbled they would get new lights next year?
They get to decorate. Who got new ornaments this year?
They get to put the star on top. Who put it on?
They get to stand back and admire the tree. Who was the first to say it was beautiful?
They get to sit together on the couch by that tree and count the days until Christmas. Who is more excited?
They get to make new Christmas memories to look back on. Who will remember in detail?
Their families are whole.
Their family life unbroken.
I am not a jealous person. I don’t get lonely but as each car passed by with the tree on top, those feelings got stronger. It enveloped me completely and I was paralyzed. It ached so much.
Each breath got a little bit easier and deeper.
I could move.
This ocean of emotion is powerful. I hang on with each wave-but barely.