What are we going to do with Dada’s Christmas stocking?

Izzy asked because she noticed all the decorations last month.

“I don’t know. What do you want to do with it?”
“I want to put it out so that Santa can fill it for him and we can bring it to his resting place.”
She got me. I cried right away. How innocent and full of hope she sounded. She reached up and wiped my tears telling me not to cry because it would draw attention…she got me again. How tween she sounded. I cried even more.
KitKat piped in. “Can Santa give him Tootsie Rolls and chocolate to eat?”
Izzy replied “No, he can’t eat anymore.”
“Well, we can still take it to his resting place and we eat it there.” I said.
A friend gave us a fake tree a couple of years ago. I brought it out last week and let them decorate it…so there is one area with lots of decorations. I didn’t fix it. I think it’s perfect and so do they.
Izzy and KitKat are excited about Christmas. I am so glad. They watch toy videos and KitKat’s list is a mile long where as Izzy has one or two presents she is zoned in on. I have to soak in this year and the next few where Izzy thinks Santa is real and Christmas is magical.
I used to listen to Christmas carols in the car right after Halloween until the day after Christmas or whenever the radio would stop playing them. John would moan and groan as I sung along. Ha. 19 years of singing and he never got used to it. This year, I can’t listen to them. All of them remind me of him. I wonder if we had 20+ years, what I would have done-would I belt out those tunes in the car where he couldn’t escape? Or would I have kept the radio off so we can enjoy each other more?
John and I lost Christmas. We weren’t big on giving gifts to each other and it was this way long before we had kids. I think we just gave up on that idea plus gifting him underwear and socks wasn’t so thrilling for him. When he was in the hospital, I thought how we had to find Christmas FOR US and the gifts I would get him. These past couple of weeks, I wish we did make an effort to exchange presents. I would have liked to have had something in hand to mark those Christmases together. I want something to hold and remember from him to me and me to him. How did we lose it? Why?

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