Grief is chipping the shock away. I desperately take those pieces and try put them back how they were. Only it’s not working. With shock, it’s a shield and I am fine. I am functioning. I can have normal conversations. I can think logically about what happened. I can have a normal day. I can play board games with the kids, cook dinner, make my morning coffee. I cry in spurts and quickly stop and go on.
I am not ready for grief to take over and for the work to begin. I am not ready to cry and not know when it will stop. I am not ready to be angry at cancer, at his death, at John, for leaving me, for leaving us. I am not ready to start accepting all of this. I am not ready to not be ok. Not now-not before Christmas. Please just give me that. Just give me Christmas.