I thought cooking for 3 was rough but going out to eat for 3 is worse. Christmas Eve, we went to our favorite Indian Restaurant.

The man who owns the place greeted us. I hadn’t seen him in months. He looked past me and asked how many, I guess looking to see if John would come in after us. “3” I said. It sounded so incomplete. The buffet was amazing as always. The girls ate and we had good conversations.
 Izzy and KitKat thought they were lucky we had two trees. One at home and one we put on their father’s resting place. KitKat and I picked out a small tree and we got small ornaments and even a small star on top. We decorated it there. 2 trees. I guess this is what we will do each Christmas.
Christmas morning was the only morning I would wake up early. John and I would get the presents ready and eagerly wait for the kids to wake up. We would catch them when they ran up to us and then watch as they ran to get their present from Santa outside (because we don’t let strangers in the house so we leave the milk and cookies outside on the deck and he leaves one present and stuffs the stockings outside).
I got everything ready the night before because we have been sleeping together and I knew we would wake up together…and we did.
I sat on the couch alone while our kids went outside to get their presents. I sat alone under the tree as they opened each gift. I never felt so alone.
I really hate that this is how our lives turned out-I don’t let the girls know this. I wouldn’t dare. I just can’t believe this. All this.
The morning after Christmas, I finally had a dream about John.
It was a good dream. He was standing at the window in our bedroom.He was looking out saying he was enjoying the sun because it’s been raining. He looked so healthy. He looked the way he looked before that crazy diet. I sat up on the bed and said “What are you doing here?” and he said “Oh that? That was nothing. I am back.” I wasn’t mad. I was just really relieved and we were both smiling. I wanted to tell him about the 8 weeks without him but all of a sudden, it didn’t matter. I was just so glad he was back. I told him we should go downstairs because the girls were awake and we can surprise them. He told me to go back to sleep and he would watch them. Not to worry. So I did. I gave him one more look over because I couldn’t believe he was in front of me.
I woke up just as I was going back to sleep in my dream. I guess I wanted it to be true. It felt like it.
Funny, John and I used to talk about our dreams. We would interpret them for eachother and then laugh at how our day to day lives snuck into our dreams and that is all it was. I did think earlier that morning how it was weird I hadn’t dreamt of him yet.
I want my husband back-for better or for worse. I want my husband back-to have and to hold.I want my husband back for richer and for poorer. I want my husband back in sickness-yes even in sickness and in health.  I want the 4 of us. I want John back.

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