If you die, mama…

Who will take us?

What will happen to us?

Will we be alone?
Will be we ok?

Izzy asked KitKat who she wanted to go with. They have 4 choices. KitKat and Izzy actually agreed my sister and her family would take them. I am happy with their decision and proud they chose this on their own. I will put this in my will. There is so much more to that. If I die, they will be broken. They will need more than my sister taking them-it’s therapy and taking things moment to moment like we do now. It’s my sister and her family needing support. It’s too much, isn’t it?

What will happen when we die?
Mama, what will you do if I die?
Where will we be buried?
Where will you be?
Will we all be together?
Why won’t we be together?
More conversations. KitKat wants to be in her father’s casket. To be with him. She misses him. They want us to be together. I told them my ashes will most likely be in Japan or NY. They both want to be buried. Izzy said she will go with me. I explained she would most likely have to be cremated if I choose Japan but I would look into it. I tell them that whatever happens to our remains-just remember that in 100 years, what will it matter? Maybe to make them think that it won’t be a big deal and not to worry.
What will happen if we all died?
Will people be sad for us?
Will they remember us?
I know these questions are age appropriate but it’s our 4 year old that is asking most of these questions above. She worries more than most 4 year olds and she has always liked to plan ahead.
Last week, KitKat and I went grocery shopping. She asked if we could get her father food to put on his resting place so he can eat it. I told him that would be nice to get him food, but he wouldn’t eat it-animals would probably eat it.

Izzy is angry today. “Why can’t I just see him?” “You can’t see people who have died anymore.” She got angrier but it’s the truth. I won’t do the Hallmark sugar coated quotes “You can see him in your heart” that sounds awful. She knows there are pictures and videos. She knows she can see him in her mind. She wants to see him and feel him and I don’t blame her.

“I miss Dada”

When the girls say that. I no longer say “I miss him too” It doesn’t start a conversation. It ends it. So I learned to say “What do you miss about him?” “Tell me what you are thinking right now” and that makes them relax and want to talk because it’s their memory, their grief. They have that right to own it and talk about it. To feel it and to go through it.

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