Off guard

Tonight, Izzy had to count the number of fingers and toes of her family as a homework assignment. She wanted to write it out so I told her to do me, her and KitKat. She wanted to include her father. She has the right to include him. I wonder if anyone would argue with her now…or later.

“Does he miss us, like we miss him?”

Izzy asked me this on the way to the cemetery this weekend.

We talk about how his heart doesn’t beat anymore. How he can’t see, how he can’t eat. All that is simple. This was a hard question.
“I am sure he does.”
She thought about this for a few minutes.
“Why did he have cancer?”
“He had cancer because it started growing inside of him. Dada didn’t want cancer. He didn’t want to die and leave us. If he were alive, he would be with us. This cancer was growing and the doctors tried to make the cancer go away but it was just too much too fast.”
Then the subject was changed to roller skating and pasta. Just like that.

KitKat likes to talk to people now. She will order my coffee, tell the baristas what she wants and how she wants it. She will initiate conversations with other mothers and children. It’s pretty amazing. John and I were extremely shy children. Raising children not to be shy is challenging but I guess whatever we are doing is working.

The other day, we were at the grocery store and she wanted a slice of pizza. She told me not to say anything, so I didn’t. “Excuse me, I want a slice of pizza. Cheese and can you cut it in half. One is for me and the other is for my big sister. She is 7. She is in school right now.” The lady behind the counter was laughing. So was I. I was so proud of her. She caught me off guard because she continued talking to the woman “I am 4. My dad died. He hadded the cancer in his body and it stopped working.” She was stating facts and being very serious and I couldn’t help it. I started crying. It’s her life and she is telling it. So matter of fact. The woman felt bad and gave us the pizza. I declined but she insisted. Kaiya wanted her slice at the store and I gave it to her.  She was happily eating and didn’t notice I was crying. The woman asked me if I wanted a hug. I said no…but I wish I had hugged her. We need to love each other more in this world. I think the next time someone asks, I will say yes.
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