If the early bird gets the worm

What does the night owl get?

I love the late late night when everyone is asleep. The quiet. Before John taught elementary school, he would stay up with me and we would sit and talk. Sometimes, if he had a gig in the weekend evening, he would come home and I would still be up, that would be our time to catch up.

I guess right now with the routines we haven’t broken because the girls are so young, it’s easy to think John is still alive. I wake up every morning and I think John is on his way to work. I brush my teeth, wake up the girls, give them their breakfast, get the girls dressed, drop Izzy off at school, as I am making my morning coffee, I think John is at work and then KitKat and I play or run errands. We pick Izzy up from school and go do something. We get home, I make dinner thinking John will come home soon. When we are eating, it’s easy to think he is at a gig. Homework is done, dessert, bedtime routine and the girls are in bed. They have been sleeping with me so it’s so easy to think when I hear movement in the bedroom, it’s John. He is safe and at home.When I do go to bed, that is when it hits and I cry for a bit-quietly so I don’t wake the girls. That reality he isn’t there is pretty harsh.

I do this thing with my feet and John hated it but he knew that was the only way I go to sleep. We called it “Lock and Load”. I would rub my feet on his legs and use my toes like crabs to pinch his legs, then I roll over and go to sleep. I do this with Izzy’s legs now but I miss John’s. I remember where the hairline on his legs stop and the smooth skin starts. I miss his ankles. This is so weird to write out.

I guess I will try to go to bed now.

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