What happens when you die?
Do you go to Heaven? Hell?
Do you become the energy you were before you were born?
Is there an afterlife that you go to?
Do your cells die and you die. That is it.
It’s hard to think about and I guess there is no wrong answer. We believe in one or the other for comfort and there is nothing wrong with that.
I believe in the last one.
After the surgery I had after KitKat was born, I woke up but didn’t realize it. I thought I had died and passed out. After the 3rd time of doing this, I realized I was alive and felt really lonely because everything from wheeling me out of the room until then was black. It felt so empty. It’s been almost 5 years and I am still trying to process it.
Right before John died, I held on to that hope of the afterlife. So I asked him for a final request. I asked him that where ever he goes, if he sees the babies we didn’t get to hold, to find them and hug them. I asked him to tell them that I think about them everyday and I love them and when it’s my time, I will come for them. I know that sounds so absurd. I thought he would laugh at me but he agreed to it. It was such a relief… Honestly, when someone you love is dying, you go into a dimension of hope, despair, pain and love-a different love because you are watching things that are happening and you can’t control it and you know death is near and are taken to a place where you know you can’t do anything but you hold onto everything.
The blog about Big Yellow Taxi was hard to write and post because I believe those are just coincidences but I hope…I hope and I hope it’s him.