How is marriage like a 3 ring circus?

You have the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

John loved that joke. It was the first one he told me and the last one. When he was sick, I made him tell me to work his mind and memory. He would always use his fingers to count the joke out and then laugh. I would always tell him 2 out of 3 weren’t bad for us. I didn’t want or have an engagement ring…and then tell him not to say anything about the suffering.

When someone you love dies, you find out a lot. Some good. Some bad. Some that makes you miss them and love them even more. Some that make you wonder if you ever knew this person at all.  You don’t want to reach out for help to friends because you don’t want anyone to know or judge.
 My ex-boyfriend once said “Every family has skeletons in their closet.” and there is so much truth to this. No one is perfect and every family has their dysfunctions.
I don’t care if you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. Get your will done as soon as you get married and then make the changes with each birth, get your finances in order together as a business arrangement (yes) and protect yourself. Marriage has two people in it. Make sure of this. Even if your husband or wife had good credit and didn’t have debt-they leave a debt and you have to clean it up. It’s all on you. Since John died, I have had to take his death certificate to one place or another once or twice a week. I wish I could take a break from that. There are a lot of couples that say they won’t do their will until they are on their death bed. We always meant to do our will and the hospital was not the place to do that. Rather than have that sorted out and ready, we had to do it while he was dying which made it even worse. It made it final. I couldn’t stop crying. I had to think about the next time he had to have his meds.  I wondered how much pain he was in. I had to watch him sign his will while he was dying and it broke my heart. He really was aware and understood what was going on. I was so proud of him for that moment of complete clarity but god, it was just not a good time.
With this realization, I understand arranged marriages. No, I won’t do that for the girls but I will not let them marry “just for love”. They already know this. Is that wrong?
I never put John on a pedestal and I never will. I will not idolize him nor will Izzy and KitKat. I have anger. I am angry. I will not let them see this though. It’s my issue and not their burden. When they are older, they will be angry with their father for dying and won’t understand the depths of this and I have to be ready and help them through this.

And with all this said…I love him.

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