I was in denial about the stages of grief. These stages are no joke. They are real. I am going back and forth between sorrow,anger, shock and denial.
I am not just experiencing anger. I am experiencing rage.
I try to push it away but it comes back with a vengeance. I don’t know how to channel anger in a healthy way. I don’t know how to deal with anger the right way. It’s emotional, it’s physical and it’s exhausting.
I don’t want to be angry with John. How can I be? He didn’t choose to have cancer. He didn’t choose to die. So why the rage? Sometimes it’s the cancer itself. Little things set me off. I was registering KitKat for Kindergarten and I was writing John’s information and stopped. I had to scribble it out and then I became so mad, I put a big line across it. I get mad when I have to do the dishes and I don’t want to. I get mad because sometimes, I want to feel like a wife again. I get mad and yell at the girls for doing something wrong and then I remember what words hurt and I stop but then get mad at myself for yelling. I guess it’s inevitable I will be angry at John for dying.
I tried screaming into a pillow but I want to go somewhere and just scream and yell. I need a safe place to do that.
I haven’t talked to him in almost 6 months. This is the longest I have gone without talking to him. I miss him…and I don’t know what to do about that right now.