When I was 9, I went to my favorite store near my house and stole two items and I didn’t get caught. I feel guilty about it because it was the wrong thing to do and I was old enough to know that.
So when you are trying to do the right thing-especially when someone you love is dying and then they do die, it’s so much more-you feel hollow and then that hole is filled with despair and guilt and on top of that grief is wrapped so tightly around you, it’s overwhelming. I can’t even explain it.
The bargaining stage has been going on for a few months now and it’s really mentally and physically exhausting. I am tired all the time because of the overthinking. Hours are spent with
“What if I…”
“If John had…”
“Maybe if we…”
I replay every moment in my mind to see what I could have done differently. I remember things and wonder if I did it another way, would John still be alive? Then I think back to August when he had his first cat scan, mri and blood work and they found absolutely no cancer. He was tested head to toe twice and nothing. The doctors thought it was an ulcer-how wonderful that sounds right about now.
I think about how he would get annoyed with people commenting on how frail he looked, wondering what was wrong-why he couldn’t admit that there was something wrong. Why couldn’t he say he was in pain? He was not feeling well? That something was “off”? Then I think about the people that didn’t say anything. There is a video of him taken July 2014 and he is clearly dying. The musicians didn’t say anything, they played their instruments and they are looking right at him. Why didn’t anyone reach out and tell me their concerns? Or did they not see it? Damn them.
I think if I had been a different wife, maybe he would have lived longer. Did I do this? I feel guilty about moving back to Massachusetts but then-I guess he really came back here to die with his family. Maybe my soul knew long before he died…that he was dying.
These past couple of months I have been sleeping a lot. It’s an escape because I am not big on sleeping at all. I sleep sometimes 13 hours a night and whether I do those long hours or not, I take naps. 2 or 3 short naps. The second I wake up to that first breath, I really do appreciate the beauty of breathing but then I hear noise, I want that quiet- the peace I can only get through sleep because right now, it’s the only time I truly feel at peace.