A big fat lie

Have you ever told a lie and the instant you did, you regretted it so much it tears you apart?
I have been struggling for 9 months with this lie…
My mind wanders to the moments when John was denied the surgery and we were in the room waiting for him to be admitted back into the hospital. Minutes before, it was so busy and loud with nurses and doctors and patients getting ready. We saw patients one by one get wheeled in for their surgeries. How lucky they were.
In the empty and quiet room, I wanted to scream. I don’t know how I didn’t because I knew it was bad. John’s life was going to end soon and there was absolutely no hope-there was just…nothing. I turned away from him. I couldn’t look at him for a few minutes. I started to cry and couldn’t stop but I looked at him and told him there was hope to get him stronger and I would go see Dr. G to reschedule the surgery for another day but if he decided to let go, that the girls and I would be ok. He said he knew we would be….
I lied. Oh my god,I lied. Would John have fought harder if I begged him to live because the girls and I couldn’t live without him? Would he have lived longer if I told him not to leave me? How could I ever be ok that he died?

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