Social Situations

  I went to the kids open house at school tonight. Luckily, I went with a neighbor but going in and being in a room full of people made me very uncomfortable very quickly and I had to move out of the way instead of blending in with them.

Meeting new people and being in a crowded room used to be fun. I loved the challenge of making conversation and getting to know someone. Grabbing a cup of coffee, playdates, casual meet ups, birthday parties (especially parties), going out to dinner, seeing someone accidently at the grocery store. These all give me anxiety and some give me full blown panic attacks now.

I just can’t socialize anymore and hate it. I don’t know how to go back to loving it. It’s just all so different now.

When I am just with one person or many, I try to keep myself in check and watch the other person or people closely. When I enter a room, all my senses are on high alert. I have see what the vibe is and if I can handle it. I have to feel safe and often times, I don’t and it’s frightening. I often wonder in all social situations-

What will they think?
What will they say?
Do they know?
Should I tell them?
What is going on in their mind?
Are they going to want to talk about “it”?
Am I going to want to talk about “it”?
Will I cry?
Please don’t let me cry.
Should I bring up John?
I won’t bring John up.
Will they be ok if I talk about John?
Should I just brush it off?
Will I have a normal conversation?

Can I have a normal conversation?

And always I think

What dumb comment will I hear? How will I respond to it?

Sometimes Izzy watches me closely and knows when I am uncomfortable. She comes over and hugs me. I am trying for the girls. Really I am.

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