When it rains…

A few weeks ago, I had to take KitKat to the ER. She was bleeding after a bowel movement. It was about a little more than a tablespoon of blood followed by more blood when I wiped her. This was the third time in a week and a half this has happened.

KitKat pleaded with Izzy to come with us. Izzy didn’t want to but she did for KitKat. It was a new hospital for us and didn’t have the usual hospital smell. I told them about the triggers we might have and even warning them, it didn’t do any good for us. Walking to the triage room was bad. Seeing KitKat in a robe on the bed was bad. Having her yell over and over she wanted to go home while they took blood was awful. Watching Izzy sleep in the stroller and KitKat in the bed while we waited for the labwork was the worst. Both girls asking if it was cancer and if KitKat was going to die was unbearable.

ER. Doctors. Nurses. Bloodwork. No results. Waiting. Worry.

John has been gone 17 months and I thought this was over. I thought it would be years not months for a hospital visit. Why is this happening?

We went to see a GI doctor. KitKat will have a Hydrogen Breath test soon (a 3 hour test) and then it will be determined if she will have a colonoscopy…She is 5 years old.
After the ER visit, it really affected Izzy. Those triggers struck her hard and she self harmed. Twice. Luckily, there were no scars and luckily, she didn’t physically hurt herself as one can. Izzy asked me not to tell anyone but how could I sweep this under the rug? She is mad at me for breaking her trust but she understands that I did it because someone can help her…can help us with the anxiety and grief. She is now in individual therapy….She is 8 years old.

I am trying to keep it together but my husband is still dead and my girls are hurting in such different ways. I still cry for John but sometimes I cry because I feel so helpless. It’s deeper because I don’t know what is right or wrong and I don’t want to do this alone. I just want John- to tell him what we are going through and for him to hold me. Why? Why us?

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