Wordless Wednesday

Wednesdays are always hard. The 29th of every month is hard but when they are the same-it’s so painful. 2 years 5 months without you. 882 days,  76,204,800 seconds, 1,270,080 minutes, 21,168 hours.

Wordless Wednesday

“I don’t remember his voice” KitKat told Izzy a few weeks ago. For me, this is when I know she is losing her father now and I didn’t know my heart still had enough in me to break-but I was left heartbroken after this. She is losing her father. We watched videos of him but I know that’s not enough and she heard him but didn’t remember…so we are working on putting up pictures to put up…of him-of our life together as 4. 124 weeks without you

Wordless Wednesday

I lost my words because of something someone told me. I am trying to get it back-to form thoughts to write them down and hopefully I will soon. I want to keep blogging. Yesterday I had a dentist appointment and this was a real gut punch…and then a relief that it’s a choice to circle because sometimes it’s not. 819 days without you. Might as well be 819 seconds.



And so we continue on

No tumor!!!

What KitKat has is a hematoma. I don’t know how she got it. There was no injury to her stomach. We go back in six months for a follow up visit and I am going to ask for another colonoscopy/endoscopy because I want to know if it went away. I want to know we are completely out of the woods. I don’t feel 100% safe but for now, it’s the best news and to celebrate her birthday without worry is going to be amazing.

She does have an lactose intolerance so we will continue with a dairy free diet. Here she is with a Starbucks Frappuccino made just for her-a chocolate coconut milk frappuccino (the $3 deal).

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Bright are the stars that shine. Dark is the sky. I know this love of mine will never die and I love her. -The Beatles- This was my lullaby to her every night when she was a baby.

In two weeks

In two weeks-our lives might change for the worst or we can continue on as we have been.
I don’t know where I left off here. Since Summer started, the girls have been keeping me busy.
KitKat had her hydrogen breath test and what was suppose to be a 3 hour test was only 30 minutes. The drink she had to take before the test made her vomit which meant no more dairy. It’s been really rough for her. She loves milk, pizza, mac & cheese and spoonfuls of Nutella. She can’t have those things anymore and it’s been challenging because we have to look at all the ingredients. Everything has dairy. She has been losing weight because of it but she is learning to try new foods and most, she really likes. She is also enjoys cooking now and making dairy free foods.
After the test, the GI doctor suggested a colonoscopy but said it wasn’t necessary but I insisted on it. So they did a colonoscopy/endoscopy and bloodwork yesterday. You know that mother’s instinct? Always listen to it.
The doctor came out and held my hand tightly. She knows we lost John. I know her husband had a massive stroke and will be needing care the rest of his life. We sat in her office several weeks ago and talked about being wives but not typical wives anymore-so she had an understanding of what happened. She said KitKat might have a tumor and squeezed my hand. She said she is hopeful that it’s just a hematoma. They clipped it because the pain she was having was because it was bleeding. I don’t know for how long-maybe her whole life. She showed me the picture. It’s on her cecum which is a pouch that is considered the beginning of the large intestine. I don’t remember much after because I couldn’t feel my body.  I asked her what will happen if this is a tumor but she just closed her eyes and told me to go to KitKat, so I did. I cried all the way there and I don’t know who helped me walk to her bed. I was glad she was still asleep.
My head is spinning. My heart is beyond shattered because it’s been broken so many times. My thoughts are in every direction and yet I have no words for this right now.
In two weeks, KitKat turns 6 and she will either be a typical 6 year old-starting first grade,  playing outside on her scooter, begging me for a puppy, and learning to cook  or she will have to fight for her life.

“I made our family”

When KitKat and Izzy tell me this and then take out the picture to show me, I hold my breath, panic and wait.

Will John be in it? Will this be the picture where he isn’t in it? Will I be prepared to not see him in it? What will I say? Do? Will I be sad? Angry? How will I feel? What will I say? Am I ready? I hate these school assignments.

He is there-right there with us, smiling together and my happiness is empty-how is that possible?

a family




October 29, 2014 my 46 year old husband died of Peritoneal Mesothelioma which we found out is genetic. We have two daughters. Bear with me as I write my rants, raves and thoughts.