Wordless Wednesday- 2 pictures

KitKat won her second game in softball. She also got to take home the game ball because she hit the ball twice with the pitcher instead of the TBall stand.
Izzy’s first cello concert 5/16/17.  She was amazing.

John should be here to see all these things.
931 days without you.


Not your average Thursday…well, maybe for a widow

This is John’s birthday month and for the past few weeks, I have been so sad because it’s another one without him. I would have teased him that this was his last year of being in his 40s, that he was old and to enjoy it before he turns 50…but deep inside, I would know, as I did every year, how lucky we were to be growing old together.

I went to visit him yesterday and took a nap next to him. It’s the only time I sleep REALLY WELL. It’s  a deep and peaceful sleep. I don’t go often but I sleep next to him every visit (even in the Winter-even in the snow).

Jeff’s Place is having a gala later this month and yesterday’s meeting, they showed us what the kids drew and said. It’s what they will display on each table. Izzy’s picture is so beautiful and KitKat’s made me weep. The pictures are below.

“The problem with grief is that it is love without an anchor; its timeline only goes one way – stretching back into the past because the future you had with this person no longer exists. And when you think about how powerful love is, when it no longer has a home, it can generate a vast amount of internal chaos.” -Pooma Bell




“I want a dad”

“I want a dad” KitKat said to me today.
“You want Dada?”
“No, I want another dad. I want a dad to do things with.”
This was hard to hear,  take in and deal with. She knows John is dead and isn’t coming back and her logic is, why want her own father? She wished for him back for so long and she realizes her wish will never come true…so she wants another. This will change. KitKat will want him from time to time. She will think about him and miss him and want to do things with him. I know he will never be replaced and he will always be her father.
It’s her grief-her way and her way of dealing with it. It’s different from where I am or where Izzy is. It’s hard to juggle…it’s just so hard.

Wordless Wednesday

Wednesdays are always hard. The 29th of every month is hard but when they are the same-it’s so painful. 2 years 5 months without you. 882 days,  76,204,800 seconds, 1,270,080 minutes, 21,168 hours.

Wordless Wednesday

“I don’t remember his voice” KitKat told Izzy a few weeks ago. For me, this is when I know she is losing her father now and I didn’t know my heart still had enough in me to break-but I was left heartbroken after this. She is losing her father. We watched videos of him but I know that’s not enough and she heard him but didn’t remember…so we are working on putting up pictures to put up…of him-of our life together as 4. 124 weeks without you

October 29, 2014 my 46 year old husband died of Peritoneal Mesothelioma which we found out is genetic. We have two daughters. Bear with me as I write my rants, raves and thoughts.