Hit me with your best shot

I gave John my first shot a couple of days ago! This is huge because I had never done it and he let me, lol!
He is getting Lovenox every 12 hours.

Anyone feel proud when they did this?


How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways
I love thee to change your fentanyl patch every 3 days
Zofran, Dilauded, chlorpromazine
For the ends of Ferrous sulfate, thorazine,
I love thee to the new pills of everydays
Most quiet need, by bathing you and using a syringe
I love thee freely, as you use Lasix to pee
I love thee purely, as the stool softeners work surely
I love thee with the prescriptions put to use
In your new briefs, and yet another pill
I love thee even with your mind you seem to sometime lose
With all my lost sleep. I love thee still,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and even with with questions unanswered
I shall but hope we will win this awful fight with cancer
Ode to Poet’s Day which was yesterday and I couldn’t post because John had to go back to the hospital to get hydrated and get ready for a new PICC line.

Once upon a time

there were two princesses.

One is seven. She loves pink and sparkly things. She eats loads of chocolate, vanilla bean scones and popsicles. She is so outgoing and loves to play that she makes friends easily. Her smile lights up a room and she has the most beautiful blue eyes or ocean eyes as her mother calls them (which she corrects and says beach eyes because of the brown around her pupils). She is sensitive, so much so that she cries when she sees others cry but that doesn’t make her weak, it makes her powerful.

The other is four. She loves purple. She wears her purple tutu dresses everyday. She loves popcorn, cereal and most things salty. She is independent but cuddly and very precise. She is sure of herself and says she will always win. She has the most beautiful chocolate eyes. She loves strongly and is so fierce. She is funny and loves to make people laugh. Her mother learns so much from her strength.

Then their father was diagnosed with cancer.

What they don’t know just yet is this is hereditary. What they don’t know is that there is a team of doctors that are going to work on a screening for them so they will be monitored for the rest of their lives. What they don’t know is that their mother is behind this and will make sure that this screening happens soon so they can live long and she can watch them become amazing women. What they don’t know is that they aren’t just princesses anymore. They are princess warriors.

Here we go…

My husband has cancer.

I said this the second time he was in the hospital getting tested from head to toe. I wanted to own it before IT owned me. Funny-we still don’t have a firm diagnosis. Like everything these past two months, it’s still up in the air.

What is the “diagnosis”?

He has Mesothelioma. He might have Pseudomyxoma Perotonei as well. The surgeon won’t know this until he goes in. If this is two cancers, he will be able to do the surgery and give him hot chemotherapy (HIPEC). If it’s not both, he will most likely not do anything, sew him up and give him regular chemotherapy. Dr. G. is confident he can do the surgery.

Everything is happening so quickly. His body is so weak but has gone through so much, I am amazed at how strong he is.

This all started last Spring when he came home from his annual physical. John was upset he had hypertension. The doctor prescribed him blood pressure meds  but he wanted to lower it naturally. At the time, he weighed 180. He was eating healthy and walking every night. 3 years prior, he was 195 because he never exercised. He started walking when I was pregnant with our second child and he loved it.  A few days later, after cartoons, he saw an infomercial for getting healthy and losing weight. The woman on TV said to cut out seven foods for a “better you”. Instantly, he did. What he didn’t hear was he had to put those foods back into his diet. He didn’t. For a year it was watching him eat fruits and vegetables and not much else. He lost 30 pounds quickly. His high blood pressure was gone. By February, his skin was yellow and he just didn’t look right. March, he developed a cough and went to  the doctor for it, who said it was seasonal allergies. He also had night sweats. A few months later, he had another physical where he weighed in at 141. John told me the doctor would worry about his weight when he was in the 130s. I couldn’t believe this and there he was, eating carrots and grapes as usual. I emailed his sister in June about my concern and she said that his weight was in normal range of a man standing 5’9″. I was dismissed. I let it go.

In late July, we went to a beach in Maine. It was hard to watch him sitting on a towel, wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants while everyone was in bathing suits enjoying the sun. I watched him as he barely could look up. His skin was now grey as well as yellow. A week later, his sisters took our oldest to the beach and I was so glad because the next day he was in the ER and admitted for 6 days.

Please understand that I did send him to the doctor with lists of symptoms. I would tell him to eat, that he didn’t look well and that I was worried. He would tell me he never felt better. Nothing was wrong…


October 29, 2014 my 46 year old husband died of Peritoneal Mesothelioma which we found out is genetic. We have two daughters. Bear with me as I write my rants, raves and thoughts.