John’s bandmate posted an event’s page and it popped up on my Facebook page yesterday. There was a picture of 4 musicians and the first musician caught my eye as I was scrolling away from it. I looked harder and couldn’t believe it. It was John. I barely recognized him. I clicked to make it bigger and studied it. He looked super thin and super sick. His eyes were sunken in a bit, his legs, arms and hands were thin. He was smiling but not a smile I remember. He looked frail. I immediately messaged his friend and asked when that picture was taken, I was sure it was in early Summer. This is how shocking he looked. He messaged back saying it was February 22, 2014. Exactly one year ago. I can’t wrap my brain around that.
That one photo showed how sick and weak he was. That one photo speaks so much. Why didn’t anyone notice? Why didn’t anyone say anything? Why didn’t I push harder to get him tested for cancer? Why did this happen? How did this happen? The more I looked, the angrier I got. Why couldn’t the photographer see it? WHY?!?! HOW?!?!
Right now, because of that one photo, I am spinning in anger, shock and sadness. It’s different. It’s like he died all over again.